How Not to Drink When Your Partner Does
I'll apologize in advance to my husband, Wyatt, who reads these blog posts. Talking about how I stopped drinking while having a partner who drinks means I need to talk about our experience. It's ok though because it was a pretty good experience. Not easy, but good. Telling Wyatt my thoughts (and fears) about quitting drinking made them REAL. It was, honestly, a turning point in making sobriety stick. I'm lucky enough to have a partner who supports me in this choice. He's invested in my well-being, just like I'm invested in his. I bet if you decide to share your intentions (and fears) about not drinking with your partner, they'll support you too. You'll never know unless you have the discussion. Here are a few thoughts on how to NOT drink when your partner DOES.
Say it, ask for it + don't expect it
Say it 🎤
It's as simple as that. Tell your partner what's on your mind. It could sound like:
“I'm worried about my drinking and I don't know what to do about it”
“I think I want to stop drinking and I'm scared”
“I'm going to take a break from drinking for 30 days”
“I've decided to stop drinking and I need your support”
Ask for it 🆘
Yes, this is “your thing” and yes, you always drank together and yes you're changing the rules BUT this doesn't mean you can't ask for support from your partner. It could sound like:
“I'm trying not to drink and it would be so helpful if you could not drink in front of me for {insert time here}”
“It would really help me if we didn't have alcohol in the house for {insert time here}”
“It would be a huge support if you could handle feeding the kids for the time being, making dinner is a big trigger for me right now"
“I'm going to need to take time for myself to ____”
Don't expect it
By this I mean don't expect your partner to completely understand what you're going through. Yes, Wyatt is supportive but I don't expect him to understand what it was like for me to contemplate giving up alcohol (actually I did but I've learned it's OK that he doesn't). He doesn't have the same issues with drinking that I did. And as much as he was willing😉 , I know he didn't want to talk about me giving up drinking all the time. So I found people for that. I found people who were having the same experience of giving up alcohol and talked to them about it. A lot. I feel comfortable talking to Wyatt about being sober and I know he'll support me in any way I ask, but I don't expect him to be my complete support network.
It's doable.
Lots of non-drinkers out there live with drinkers. It can work. The key is asking for the support you need in the home and setting clear boundaries.
